It lives
By George, I think she's got it!

Going cubist

    I had a landmark moment this week in my life: I got my first mammogram.  Yes, that's right, my very first.  At 42 I'm a couple years behind the recommended age for a baseline, but being my stubborn self, I put it off until not only my doctor but my mom and sister recommended it.  (Well, actually, Mom threw a hissy fit and made me promise to go get one NOW, but that's beside the point.) 
    Having heard my fair share of horror stories about what happens during one of these events, I was a tad nervous, but Melinda reassured me that it was not that bad.  In her words - "You know I'm a wimp, and it didn't bother me, so suck it up!"   Always nice to have sisterly support.  Anyway, I was fairly calm when walking in, mentally reminding myself that I'd be in and out in 10 or 15 minutes.  You can put up with anything for that long, right?  Right!  No problem!   
    That positive mindset lasted through the first set of pictures quite handily, but then the problems began.  "Just sit there for a minute while I make sure these came out clearly," the technician chirped, and so I sat, expecting to walk out momentarily.  Back she came with orders for more pictures, but this time a little different.  My poor mammaries weren't just squashed, oh nooo, this time they were lifted and TWISTED and squashed.  Yeah.  Fun.  Once those were done we repeated the "sit for a minute" process, but this time I was a little less sanguine about the outcome.  And rightly so!  I went through a third round of "stand this way...oops, let's lift it a little more....that's right, just relax"!!  When the technician left the room this time I didn't even bother to pick up a magazine, but mentally braced myself for what might come next whilst hugging my poor, maltreated boobies.  Sure enough, the door opened yet again, but this time on a different technician.  Now what?
    "Follow me this way, we're going to do an ultrasound on you!" she said cheerily, as I rolled up what was left of my breasts and tucked them into the waistband of my capris.  "You have really dense tissue, we need to get a better picture and since I'm here we decided to just do it now rather than call you back, isn't that better?"   I nodded obediently and lay down on the table.  Blessing of blessings, ultrasounds aren't the least bit painful, but by this time I was pretty skittish, so when she said we were done I high-tailed it out of there.  Once I was safely away from the Mighty Mashing Machines, I looked at my watch.  My 10 or 15 minute appointment had taken - wait for it - one hour and fifteen minutes. Yep. And what did I get out of it?  Cubist boobs.  I could've worn a bra made of Legos at that point and finally experienced perfect fit. 
    When I got home I called Melinda and filled her in on the whole mind bending, breast mangling experience.  She was appropriately shocked on my behalf (which is good, 'cause I'd hate to take my own sister off my Christmas list) and suggested that I call the doctor the next morning and ask for a "wet read" result.  Which I did, to no avail.  Sometimes  you just can't win.  I've decided to just be patient and wait for the results.  In the meantime, I've duct-taped two Tupperware bowls over my chest, in a desperate attempt to restore the girls to their previous gently-rounded state rather than the pyramid - like  shape they're currently flaunting.  If that fails, well....the kids have lots of Legos!   

Comments

Suzanne V. (Yarnhog)

Laughing hysterically about the "rolled them up and tucked them into the waistband of my capris." Good for you for getting it done. I'm 38 and haven't been there yet, but since mine don't even fill an A-cup, I figure they can just hold me up to a bright light and see everything there is to see.

Suzanne V. (Yarnhog)

Laughing hysterically about the "rolled them up and tucked them into the waistband of my capris." Good for you for getting it done. I'm 38 and haven't been there yet, but since mine don't even fill an A-cup, I figure they can just hold me up to a bright light and see everything there is to see.

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