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June 2016
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August 2016

I just don't know right now

        I've started and stopped this post about a dozen times because I can't decide what to say or how to say it, but now I'm aggravated with myself so it's just going to be what it will be.   There are so many things buzzing around in my brain right now that I can't think straight, so if you're reading this, brace yourself.  It ain't gonna be pretty.

        Hubby has been really, really unhappy with his workplace for a while now.  He's a person who likes order and structure and clearly defined goals, and those things just aren't there.  What he deals with instead is lack of focus, unrealistic expectations, poor planning, and decidedly unethical behavior at every level.   This does not make for a positive work environment, obviously.   The problem is that we've had almost zero success finding anything else.  The one solid lead he has will only offer a salary that's significantly (as in HUGELY) reduced from his current pay.  Not good.

        In addition to hubby's job woes, I finally came to the realization that I really, really want to move back up north.  I've thought about it off and on for 5 years, but in early June - after housesitting for my sister and spending time with my best friend - it hit me hard.  I didn't want to leave.  I came home and moped around for a few days and then the dam broke and I had a Category 5 meltdown, complete with wailing, wheezing and copious consumption of tissues.  It was not pleasant.  Jon and I talked, a lot, and we agreed that we would begin working towards moving back up north.   However, please see preceding paragraph.  No job leads = no moving.   My in-laws also moved to North Carolina in May, which means that if we go north we'll be leaving them here on their own.    That's a lot of guilt that I'm not sure I could handle.  I love them to bits, and if something happened because we weren't here, well.....

        As a secondary issue, my wee Chinese crested mix, Dobby, never learned to get along with our big guy Clive.  After over a year of trying, I finally agreed that it would be in everyone's best interests to rehome him, and last Thursday he went to a new family.  I managed to hold it together until the woman was headed down the drive with him, then I completely fell apart and sobbed until I couldn't breathe.  She's let me know that he's doing fine, and I know he'll be better off not being stressed by the big dogs, but I miss him so much.  He had a way of curling up against my ribs when I was in our big recliner and resting his little head on my arm that I just loved.  So that's been tough, too.

        Sooooo, my brain hurts right now.  I'm having a tremendously difficult time trying to understand where all this is going, and why.  Jon's never had this much trouble finding a job, which is very discouraging.  Coupled with his frustrations at his current job, he's really beginning to doubt himself and his abilities.  The current job is somewhat at risk right now, too, which means he's getting a bit panicky about finding something else.....even if it's a huge pay cut.  But a huge pay cut will produce a different kind of stress, even if the job itself is good.   I feel like I'm stuck in the south now with no escape, but I feel selfish and guilty for wanting to go back up north. Maybe we need to be here?  I don't know.  Neither one of us is happy with the situation as it stands, but nothing truly positive seems to be in the wings.  Right now we could really use a "burning bush"-type sign from God.  "Go here, do this", etc.  Somehow I doubt that's going to happen, though.  I guess we just keep muddling along.